Tag Archives: reflect

Random Observations

Who I Am

2015 has been a year of growth for me. I’ve been meditating and listening to myself. I’m trying to understand why I get irritable, upset or just feel unbalanced. Equally important, I’m trying to better understand what drives me like my constant need for knowledge and information as well as the consistent feeling that I have to on the move and going forward like I’m being chased.

I’m often motivated by an injustice or a wrong. Someone pisses me off and tells me I can’t or doesn’t believe I can do something and it sets me down a path to prove them wrong. That’s how I launched my full time business. My boss fired me and I spent the next two years working to prove him wrong. I went so far as to send him an email telling him how his actions motivated and drove me to be the person I am today. It took a while but I moved from anger to acceptance to the realization that his actions helped me make a leap that forever changed me.

The flip side this always being on the move is exhausting. I’ve never been one to sit and take a breather especially once I escaped my old life. At no time will I ever feel as lost and just suffocated as when I was married to a domestic abuser with no way out. I appreciate every day, minute and second I have because I know I was close to being forever gone. I’m thankful and maybe that’s why I feel like I always have to be moving forward. I always have some new idea, project to do or just work. I am always busy.

One of my friends this week described me as “always hustling.” I try to pack a ridiculous amount in a small schedule. Sometimes it works, but tonight in particular I’m completely exhausted. I’m in Austin for a conference and meeting with a potential client. Instead of going out for networking, I’m in my hotel room writing, thinking, reflecting and sleeping. In truth I feel guilty because I might be missing out on an opportunity, but my body and mind is telling me I need the solitude so I’m listening.

I wonder if I will ever slow down. I wonder if what I am doing in running forward because I am subconsciously thinking about my old life. That I have to make up for those 7 years I lost. That I can’t slow down because I never know when it might be over and I want to squeeze every minute out of being me. I worry if all this hustle is keeping me from my daughter, my marriage and friends. I wonder if all this hard work is worth it or I should take some time to step back and just enjoy what I’ve built. Putter in my yard. Can for two weeks straight or just watch soap operas with no concern about the hours that I’m wasting away. In short, I believe there is more change for me on the way. Sometimes I just wish that changed involved a 6 month vacation, lots of margaritas and a beach where I can get away. I’d be okay with inheriting a bunch of money and doing a lot of shopping.

Except I know that even when I’m on vacation I’m still dreaming, thinking and most importantly writing. Even during my long weekend trip I will be taking photos for a client’s instagram and working through ideas that are marinating.  It’s nearly 10:00 PM and I’m here on my personal blog writing right now. I know I have something I need to work through. I just can’t put my finger on exactly what it is. I have some growing. I have a story to tell maybe just to myself that I need to work through. And maybe that will change as I become more self-aware and reflect. I sometimes envy those people who just dance through life. They keep with them only the shirt on the back and a smile on their face without a care in the world. My mind won’t let me follow that philosophy. It’s always churning, turning and creating. It’s the reason I’m at the hotel room instead of out and about sipping cocktails with conference attendees. I need time to listen to me in a room filled with silence. My project is me and I’m all in.

 

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